Silent Struggle: My Couch-to-Relief Journey

Struggling in isolation, the author shares their silent battle with physical and emotional pain on a couch.

The NFL wakes up in shock after the revelations of one of its stars. Last Saturday New York Giants tight end Darrell Waller surprisingly announces his retirement of the playing fields at just 31 years old. After eight seasons divided between Ravens, Raiders and Giants and after playing in the Pro Bowl (the NFL all-star), the Maryland player has hung up his helmet.

Hours after the announcement, The player appeared in a video on YouTube in which he confessed to an event that happened last November and that led him to make the decision to retire. The ‘tight end’ revealed an episode where he had to call 911 to come to his apartment in New Jersey to help him because he couldn’t breathe.

“It was a terrifying situation. I was in the hospital for more than three days. I couldn’t get up, not even to go to the bathroom or eat. I say all this because… I go back to my daily life and It’s pretty clear that I almost lost my life. And I don’t know if I think I would have felt good about what my life would have been like if he had died at that point.”

The Giants player, who also claims his split from WNBA star Kelsey Plum had something to do with his retirement, recalls how he ended up in the hospital: “Last season in New Jersey, we played the Jets on October 29th,” Waller says. “I got hurt in that game. The next week, the Giants were playing the Raiders in Las Vegas and I started getting a fever, which started to go up. I’m starting to get chills and stuff. So when I went into my garage and got out of the car I was shaking violently, uncontrollably.”

The 6’4″, 240-pound player recalls the worst moments before medical services arrived. “I couldn’t breathe, so I called 911. I spoke to them on the phone, but I don’t think they understood what I meant. So andHe was lying there, breathing deeply, and between each breath he was screaming, “Help!” in case he would wake the neighbors. I don’t know how much time passed, it seemed like an eternity, and I thought: “Damn, I’m dying on this couch and nobody knows.” It was something like an overdose. “Like they cut a cable and I couldn’t breathe.”

Waller, who is opting out of a $35 million contract for his remaining three seasons with the Giants, knows what he’s talking about when it comes to his drug experience. He entered a rehab program in 2017 after overdosing on opioids and fentanyl. It was a traumatic experience that led him to give up both drugs and alcohol to become a star football player, his passion until this season.

“I’m doing something, playing football, that I’ve found a lot of joy in, but the passion is slowly fading away,” Waller said. “I feel like I’ve spent most of my life doing what I was supposed to do. My whole life I’ve been a people-pleaser. The worst possible thing for someone like me would be to think that I have to pick a lane in life, a path, and follow it like most of the world does.

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